Riddle me this… Ladies, why do you want to change your man? I mean, you liked him just fine when you first met him and he obviously had qualities that you are attracted to, so why change him? This is a dating quandary that I’ve yet to figure out so I may need some audience participation. Lookie here (yes, I am speaking in general terms here) why the drastic dichotomy between men and women with the “I love you, now change” theory?
Let’s break it down…When a guy meets a woman who really gets his attention all he is thinking is how much he hopes she stays that same woman forever. Conversely, when a woman meets a man, all the things that initially attracted her to him end up being all of the same qualities she ends up hating. Why? Whhhhhhhhhhhhy? I don’t get it! Do you totally disregard who we are as people all together and do you just look at us as a big lump of clay that you can sculpt over time any which way? Are you attracted to the edgy bad boy and then when you land one you figure if you’re going to keep him you better change him? Do you really think it’s fair to play God like that? It never works…One of two scenarios happens when you foolishly go down that road and I always say be careful what you’re trying to make your man into because you just might get it.
The first scenario is, day by day, inch by inch, you chisel away at your man’s constitution and mojo until he is a non-opinion having, purse carrying, yes man who doesn’t dare rock the boat or stand up for his needs and desires all in the name of avoiding your wrath. Boy that’s a sexy guy… Or, you have a guy who fights with you all the time to maintain some of his standards and the personality he had when you first met.
The problem with the first scenario is fairly obvious. You may now own a pocket wussy who fears you and jumps at your every word — but here is the kicker, you’re not attracted to him anymore. You are attracted to the guy you first met, when he was a man, a man with free will.
The second scenario is the guy who stands his ground with you. This guy has either been through the wussification process before and he knows how hard it is to get his mojo back so he won’t allow you to do it to him again. Or this same guy is young enough and he has the wherewithal to resist your incremental chiseling. Either way both of those guys will end up resenting you, openly or deep in the pit of their gut. No good however you slice it.
So I am dedicating the remainder of this column to the guys out there who actually like who they are and don’t want a woman to be reprogramming them. And ladies, please take the time to think about this one while I have your attention so maybe you can avoid some future aggravation yourselves. Try finding a guy that is the man you think you want verses trying to change one of us into whatever you envision.
Okay guys, me and you now. First I have to make it clear that people do to you what you allow them to do to you. Moral of the story — Do NOT let them do it to you! Here are just a few pointers to help you keep your apples close to the tree.
1. Say no! Say it with me, “No!” No, I don’t want to do that, No, I don’t like that, No, you can’t have that, etc… Most guys give up on saying no because they know if they do a huge fight is coming so it’s just easier to acquiesce. Heck, some guys give up talking altogether.
2. Don’t give up things. More often than not, the things that a guy likes most are what women despise or find offensive. If you like Playboy, read it! If you like burping, burp! If you like to cuss, cuss! If you like to spend time with the boys, spend time with them! I could go on forever here but this truly is very important to maintaining your identity.
3. When you find yourself fearing being yourself because of the backlash you may receive, then it’s time to make some drastic changes. Push the reset button if you care about her or break out altogether and save your life if there is no reasonable way to regain your status as a man.
4. Do not depend on her for everything. A lot of times a woman will take over your personal responsibilities in order to maintain a hold on you. She’ll start buying your clothes, handling your money, making decisions for you that you once made. This will leave you dressed up like a clown with five bucks in your pocket and then when it comes to decision-making the first thing out of your mouth will be, “I better run it by the Mrs. First.” Doh! If this is you, run — fast!
5. Here is number five and probably the most important. Don’t lose your free will! The minute you find a woman censoring your speech, limiting or controlling your actions and/or just overall putting you into a box full of weighted guilt that has paralyzed you to the point that you say or do nothing, then you must ramble on my friend.
I will leave you with this: It is much easier to pick up the pieces than it is to try and take pieces that don’t fit and try and force them together. Stay true to yourself and always come from a place of love and you can’t go wrong. If you’re not hip to The Modern Dater Show at 7 p.m. every Saturday — fail! The show is on fire. You can catch all the past shows and my articles on www.themoderndater.com! Fall social coming soon! Be safe dating!